Norah's Birth Story.

Although Norah's birth story has sorrow... it also has joy.

I woke up very early the morning of September 2nd, labor day, because I had a nightmare. I was so upset and felt such a darkness.  I started singing hymns and eventually calmed down enough to sleep again. I was having a fairly benign dream that suddenly turned into a nightmare. I woke up again, so upset. This time I didn't go back to sleep. Something just felt... wrong. (Later, when I was reflecting back on this I was so upset that I would feel such a darkness and have bad dreams on my last night with Norah inside of me. I felt it was extra cruel. Dave then had the wisdom to suggest that the nightmares and darkness was my subconscious screaming at me that something was wrong. My spirit had felt the absence of Norah's spirit and was sending me alarm bells. When Dave said this I immediately knew in my heart that what he said was true. I am so thankful now for those alarm signals that led me to realize Norah was gone... I don't know how long it would have taken if I hadn't felt so bad that morning). I went downstairs and suddenly it hit me that I hadn't felt Norah move for a while... she usually woke me up with her acrobatics. I drank a big glass of cold water and laid down on my left side.

Nothing.

I nudged her. I felt her little body float away from my nudge with no resistance. At this point I knew something was wrong but I wasn't accepting how wrong. I nudged her again, and again she floated away from the nudge and slowly floated back.


I quickly ran upstairs and was already terrified and starting to cry. I sent my kids to the kitchen on and errand and frantically cried to Dave that I couldn't get Norah to move. He saw and heard the fear in my voice. He told me not to panic and asked what I wanted to do. I said I wanted to eat something and see if that would get her moving. I ate and apple and waited...

After only 5 minutes I told Dave that I just knew something was wrong and asked him to take me to the hospital. I called my sister Mary to come watch the kids. She lives just blocks away so she arrived within minutes.

The whole way to the hospital I prayed and pleaded over and over "Please move baby girl... Please move!" We got to the OB/ER and I could hardly get the words out, "I can't get my baby to move." The nurse rushed me into a room and asked how far along I was. I said 34 1/2 weeks. She looked startled and said; "You look full term!". I told her that I was measuring full term. and that we were expecting our baby girl in the next couple of weeks.

She quickly had me lay down and put a monitor on my belly. We immediately heard a heartbeat. I was so relieved!  I asked "Is that my baby?" the nurse smiled and said "I think so." About 1 second later I saw a panicked look cross her face. She moved the monitor around and around. I realized the heartbeat was a bit slow... it was my heart we heard. She said she was going to get an ultrasound machine. She brought it in and placed the wand on my belly. I saw my Norah and I saw the stillness. My heart broke. I knew she was gone but I was too shocked to register it. The Nurse said she needed to get the midwife to look because she wasn't good at ultrasounds. I know that she wasn't allowed to tell us that Norah had passed... but I knew. The midwife came in and looked on the ultrasound for what felt like an eternity. She turned to me with tears in her eyes and said she needed to get the doctor. I again knew that she couldn't tell us anything but that she knew too. Darn it though! I still had a smidgen of hope that the doctor would see a heartbeat that we had all somehow missed. The doctor came in and looked at the ultrasound and finally said the words that we needed to hear. "I'm so sorry but your baby has passed away". 

I wanted to die... right there.

I wanted to die.

I was sitting there in shock but screaming inside my head "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" The nurses and doctors in the room were all crying with us. They were so wonderful to us and asked what we wanted to do. They said we could go right to labor and delivery or we could go home for a while... whatever we wanted. I knew that I couldn't have Norah without telling my kids what had happened. They needed to be told by Mom and Dad. So we headed home and told the hospital we would be back in a couple of hours.

On the ways home we called our parents. My Mom and Dad were at Bear Lake for the weekend but were heading home that day. My mom answered the phone and I tearfully told her that Norah had died. The sorrow and pain in her voice as she cried, "NO NO NO" was so hard to hear but also validating that the sorrow we were feeling was real, and justified. She said they were getting in the car right that minute and heading home. Dave called his Mom and we called his step mom Leslie. Everyone was so heartbroken. Luckily our parents took care of calling all of our siblings for us.

We got home and sent my little sister home (after quietly telling her what had happened). We gathered the children and my sweet Ella could see our tears and pain and started crying and asking, "What's happening??? What's wrong?".  We quietly explained to them that Norah had died in my tummy and that we weren't going to be bringing her home. That they would have a little sister in heaven but that we wouldn't have a baby in our home. Ella absolutely fell apart. This was her long awaited much loved little sister. She was so heartbroken. Our little James cried hard for a good 10 minutes and then played with his little brother, which was so helpful and perfect. I asked Ella to come upstairs with me to Norah's room and help me pack a bag for the baby. Ella chose a little sleeper for Norah to wear and the blanket my Mom had made for the baby. Then Ella added the little doll she had bought for her sister a month or so earlier.

Dave's Mom arrived and most of his siblings and spouses arrived soon after. I showered and then had my cute sister-in-law French braid my hair. I wanted to look as un-disheveled as I could after having Norah. My other sister in law immediately gathered up all the laundry and put it in her car to do later. Everyone just wanted to do something... anything. Leslie arrived and then most of my siblings and their spouses. My parents were the last to arrive... they still got there really fast considering they were driving home from the lake. My sweet husband, my dad, brothers and brothers-in-law laid their hands on my head and Dave gave me the most beautiful blessing of comfort and strength. Then Dave gave Ella a blessing (James seemed fine at this point so we didn't give him one... I regret that.) My Dad then gave Dave a beautiful blessing.

We left for the hospital.

We checked into labor and delivery. They were waiting and ready for us. They put me down the hall away from all the other laboring Momma's and their happy families. I love the U of U hospital. They really did take tender care of us and of my Norah. I had originally wanted to deliver Norah vaginally because I was worried a c-section would make me groggy like it did with Sam. I didn't want to miss a minute with Norah. By the time we got back to the hospital I had changed my mind. I wanted a c-section. I wanted Norah in my arms ASAP... labor would have take forever. I knew a c-section would be quick and I also knew I would heal quickly.  I wanted her body to be as perfect as possible.  I knew with a c-section she wouldn't be nearly as squished.  That may be vain but I didn't care. The Doctors tried to talk me out of it but I just felt uneasy about labor and I felt immense calm when I thought about a c-section. I decided to trust that feeling and I'm glad I did.  It was definitely the right choice and I don't regret it at all.  Once I made a final decision they called my doctor and she said she wanted to perform my surgery. So on labor day night she left her family and came to the hospital. I just love her and will always be so grateful to her.

I took a picture like this just before Sam's c-section.  I wanted to take one for Norah too. Even though I have tears in my eyes I was so happy and excited to have Norah.

I had to leave Dave to get my spinal block. He hadn't left my side all day and I started to panic almost immediately when we were separated. They got my spinal block in really quickly and started the surgery. Dave wasn't there yet and I was panicking.  I asked the anesthesiologist to not put pain meds (morphine) in the spinal. I wanted to be as alert as I could be. I don't' know if it was that or just a blessing from my Heavenly Father but I was so alert. I never felt a moment of sleepy until hours later after Norah had been taken to the morgue.  What a tender mercy it was to spend every minute possible with my sweet girl.

Dave was finally brought in and also the photographer from NILMDTS (now I lay me down to sleep) a non profit organization that provides free portraiture for families of stillborns or families whose babies won't live much beyond birth. I was so relieved to finally have Dave with me!  I was also so glad to see the photographer.  I was a  bit stressed because I was told there was only one photographer available because of the holiday and that she could only stay about an hour.  I was worried we wouldn't have time to get pictures as a family.  As soon as she came in she introduced her self to me, she said; "Hi, I'm Abby your photographer... I want you to know I cancelled my plans for the rest of the evening so you have me as long as you need me."  What an angel!  I was so relieved.  She was wonderful and has since become a dear friend. 

I was so anxious and excited to see Norah. What would she look like?  would she look like me? or more like Dave?  Finally at 7:17 PM I felt my doctor pull Norah out.  My girl was here!  My sweet, sweet baby that we had been planning and waiting for was here!  She was 6 pounds 11 ounces and 19 inches long (coincidentally these were Ella's exact measurements at birth too).  There were no exclamations of joy or congratulations.  There was no sweet mewing cry.  There was a stillness and peace in place of those things.  Both My doctor and the nurse proclaimed what a beautiful baby she was.  Dave also exclaimed how pretty she was.  Then suddenly there she was!  Dave brought her to me and laid her on my chest.  she was so beautiful!  She had chubby round cheeks and she had Dave's beautiful peaked lips just like Sammy had.  She also had tons of dark hair!   I just held her and stroked her cheek and kissed her.  I told her how much I loved her and how sorry I was my body had failed her.   I held Norah and just basked in the new baby glow.  It didn't matter at that moment that my baby wasn't alive.  I was just so in love with her and proud of her. 

Sweet, sweet  kisses... I was so in love with her!

I realized that my surgery was taking longer than the last time.  My doctor told me that she was giving me stitches instead of staples so that I could leave the hospital earlier if at all possible.  What a kindness she gave me... because I didn't want to stay in the hospital any longer once Norah went to the mortuary. 

I was transferred from the OR to my recovery room.  I got to hold Norah the whole way there.  When we got there Abby began to take portraits of Norah while I got cleaned up and put makeup on.  It may sound strange that I wanted to put makeup on but to me it wasn't.  I knew that I would only get to have pictures taken with this daughter once.  This was it.  I wanted to look fresh and awake... not like I just had surgery.  If I only got to be in pictures with Norah once then I wanted to look good. 

My Mom and Kathy were at the hospital with us before surgery and they were waiting afterwards.  Leslie came soon after and brought Ella and James and my Dad brought Sam.  Poor sweet Ella just cried and cried.  James was a bit more stoic and Sam just smiled and pointed to Norah saying, "Baby! Baby!"  The big kids seemed a little scared of Norah at first.  I had them touch her feet and hands and they seemed to like that but they didn't want to hold her.  Abby got some beautiful pictures of Norah and of our family. 

Just before everyone left Ella decided she wanted to hold her sister. I think my heart broke just a little bit extra watching Ella cradle her much wanted baby sister. On the way home Ella told her grandma that she knew she would regret it her whole life if she didn't hold Norah. I am so glad she did because the next day she came back and wanted to hold her again but Norah wasn't with me at that time. So I'm glad she got to hold her the night before. 

 

Once they left we were moved to our new room.  They kindly put me in the special women's care unit and not the maternity ward.  Dave and I spent the next few hours holding and kissing Norah.  At about midnight we had to send her to the morgue.  I knew I would get to hold her again the next day so I was finally able to let her go and get a bit of sleep. 

 

I got Norah the next morning at about 6:00 am.  I held her, sang her songs and talked to her for about an hour.  Dave was still asleep and I was so tired that I fell asleep with Norah in my arms.  I woke up an hour or so later and felt so badly that I had fallen asleep and missed precious time with her.  Then the thought came to me that I had taken naps with her brothers and sister when they were babies and it was fitting that I had a nap with her. 

We got to have Norah on and off  that day for just an hour at a time.  By about 2:00 we knew it was time to send her to the mortuary.  The moment I had been dreading since Norah's birth was here.  I just knew I would completely fall apart when they came to get her body.  As I handed her to our nurse for the last time I had the most comforting peace come over me.  I felt so loved and I didn't fall apart!  I know that I was being held up by angels and my savior because I couldn't have been that peaceful otherwise.  I also like to think that Norah's sweet spirit was allowed to stay for a bit and comfort me. 

I was able to leave the hospital the next morning.  Record time after a c-section!  I was so anxious to get home to my other kids especially Sam who is particularly attached to me and would be confused by all of this. Also I just needed to hold my other babies in my aching arms.  

The news of Norah's passing spread quickly and soon our home was filled with lovely flowers and food enough for an army.  We had so many visitors and people checking in on us.  Many acts of service were preformed like cleaning and laundry and yard work.  We felt/feel so blessed to have such a wonderful support system of family, friends and neighbors.   

Dave and I wanted to plan Norah's funeral ourselves.  We knew this was the only big event we would ever get to plan for this child and we wanted it to be perfect.  We knew she would be buried with her Grandpa (Dave's Dad) and that her casket would rest right above his.  That decision was made with the blessing of Leslie before we even left the hospital.  We chose a beautiful white casket/vault combo that had daisies molded into the lid.  My neighbor who is an incredible seamstress offered to make Norah a dress with my left over wedding gown fabric.  She had made Ella's baptism gown from the same fabric a couple of years ago.  I was so touched and please that both my girls and I had matching dresses. 

Ella's baptism dress and Norah's burial dress.

The day before her funeral we went to get her dressed and placed in her casket.  We were not prepared at all for what a baby looks like after embalming and makeup.  It was very upsetting for us, more so for Dave than for me.  It is not that Norah looked scary or bad... she just didn't look like our baby.  She looked very different from the baby we'd held and cuddled in the hospital.  She was still so beautiful though.  I carefully dressed her in her gown and put on the headband I'd made to match her dress.  He hair! Oh her hair!  It was perfect, fuzzy and brown and so soft.  At the hospital we weren't able to wash her hair but the mortuary had.  I will forever be thankful for that.  I was able to nuzzle her head and smell that sweet baby shampoo smell.  After getting her all dressed I carefully laid her in her casket.  She looked so peaceful and sweet dressed in white all cozy in her white casket. 

 

We had her funeral the next morning at 9:00 am.  We had a small viewing and family prayer right before.   I was very upset and didn't want people to see her with all the makeup on but I knew our families really wanted to see her.  Dave had the brilliant idea to cover her in some of the sheer silk  that her dress was made out of.  It was amazing that veiling her in the silk made all the difference.  You could still see her sweet face and body but you didn't notice all the makeup etc.  I was very pleased.  After everyone got to see her and say goodbye our little family placed a gift from each of us in her casket.  From Sam, a mold of his hand print.  From James, his favorite stuffed animal since he was a baby "bun bun".  From Ella, the little doll that she had bought for Norah a couple of months previously.   I gave her a little gold heart pendant that Dave had given me when we were dating.  It was the first romantic gift he ever gave me.  I wanted to bury her with a symbol of her Mommy and Daddy's love.  Dave gave her his wedding band.  He didn't wear it much anymore since we'd gotten new matching bands.  I had his original band engraved with our wedding Date July 2001 - Forever.  Dave wanted a symbol of our forever family burried with her.  We put the heart and the ring on a little chain around her neck.  We also placed a family photo and a gardenia in with her.  I put 3 bracelets on her.  Ella, Norah's grandma's and I each have a bracelet matching one of hers.  She was also buried in a pair of booties her grandma Leslie made and I covered her in a blanket that my Mom made her almost a decade ago (After Ella was born my mom made it for my next daughter with yarn I had chosen... it just took nearly 10 years to get another girl). 

I gave her one last kiss and then we placed the lid on her casket.  After he said the prayer Dave carried her into the chapel.  Her funeral services were perfect.  We showed her video and Dave and I both bore our testimonies.  Dave spontaneously referred to Norah and our "North Star" and so stars have become a beautiful symbol of our Norah for us.   I wanted Ella and James to hear me say publicly that we would be ok.  That we would be with their sister again.  My dad spoke and Emily and Meilani sang a beautiful song.  Josh and Peter both gave beautiful prayers. 

We rode in a limo to the cemetery which Ella and James thought was pretty cool.  I sat next to Norah's casket on the way.  I cherished every moment I got to be near her.  I didn't think my heart could break anymore but watching my big strong husband carrying that tiny casket to the grave was heart wrenching.  We sang "Teach me to walk in the light" and then Dave dedicated her grave.  Leaving the cemetery, leaving her there, was very difficult.  getting in the car, knowing that I would never again see her in this life, was extremely difficult. 

We got back to the church and the women in my ward had planned the most beautiful luncheon.  The room was decorated in pink.  There were pink balloons everywhere!  Pink candy on every table and tons of pink cupcakes.  It was the birthday party that we were never going to get to give Norah and it was perfect!  I loved every bit of it.  It made me so happy.  After lunch the kids wanted to release some of the balloons.  It was the perfect end to the celebration of Norah's life. 

As we let the balloons go we all shouted, "WE LOVE YOU NORAH!" 
I think we will make this a yearly tradition on her birthday.

I couldn't have asked for the day to have gone any better.  It was exactly as I'd hoped. I wanted the day to be a celebration of Norah, to acknowledge that she is real... that she had an enormous impact. I wanted it to show and express how thankful we are for her. Norah means light, and she definitely brought light to our family. We miss her terribly and wish she could have stayed but we are so glad that she came. We are so thankful that she is part of our family. 

She is our little North Star,

sent to light our way back home to her
and to our Father in Heaven.